“I know 7 months isn’t that long, but it felt like an eternity.
I was tracking my fertile windows, my moods, all my body’s cues, but nothing seemed to make a difference. Nothing was working. I always knew exactly where I was in my cycle and when I was ovulating. I’d get my hopes up a lot if I was even a day late. When I’d get to three days late, I’d be completely convinced I was pregnant, taking a dozen pregnancy tests that always came back negative. Every month I started to lose more hope because everyone around me seemed to conceive easily. My Facebook feed was flooded with new baby and pregnancy announcements. I felt surrounded and overwhelmed by happy new parents. Sometimes I would call my mom crying and sometimes I just felt really deceived — I was so upset that this wasn’t happening for me.
I’ve wanted to be a mom ever since I was little — I loved being around little kids and started babysitting when I was pretty young. The last little girl I nannied was Allison. My husband tells me this is crazy, so maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but I’d get excited when I was with Allison and people assumed she was my baby. I know that might sound creepy, but I just really loved her. I would want my babysitter to love my baby that much. She was so much fun — so full of wonder. I think all kids are. It’s so awesome to take the world in through their eyes. Their goal is always to have fun, not to worry about anything going on around them.
Eventually I had to adopt that lesson as my own — that this wasn’t entirely within my control and I had to let go a little. I had to accept that it would happen whenever it was supposed to happen. I had to focus on what I could do for myself.
Then finally it happened. And the whole journey — my body creating this miniature version of myself and my husband, carrying him for 9 months, wondering what he’d be like when we met him, to finally meeting him — is so amazing and indescribable. It feels so magical to watch this little human we created develop his own personality. Every day he changes, he grows, he learns new things, he’s developing into his own self. It’s just the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen or experienced.
He looks at me and my heart just melts.
Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by seeing others with what you want. Carl was worth every moment of waiting.”
Read about Maria's Agni Moment here.